i can't believe we'll be saying goodbye to 2012 tomorrow and welcoming a new foosa in just a few weeks.
our birth plan has taken a very strange turn though.
we haven't been having the best experience with the homebirth midwives we chose. we actually still haven't even had appointments with either of the delivering midwives. we've been seeing either student midwives or the brand new "midwife" who is my age and was just licensed a few months ago. absolutely not the care we signed up for. but everyone was nice and the appointments seemed thorough so i didn't panic.
i did start requesting to see one of the delivering midwives though and each time, they would guarantee my appointment would be with one of them and then we would show up to find it wasn't.
i emailed them both my concerns a couple weeks ago and never heard back. my anxiety about our homebirth decision started to build and i found myself reading a horror homebirth story where the midwife was terribly inexperienced and it led to the death of the baby. i needed someone with years of experience to tell me not to worry, that she knows the signs and has dealt with tough deliveries before. that we were in good hands.
so we show up friday for our 34 week appointment (another one guaranteed to be with one of the midwives) and it still wasn't. i tried emailing them one more time before calling - just to get my whole story out and request we all sit down together and finally meet - and the response i received was disappointing to say the least.
they said my expectations to have appointments with them didn't align with their practice. that they couldn't guarantee when i would see them - if at all before the delivery. and they requested i leave their practice and find other care.
find other care. weeks before this baby is due. after we've already paid them a huge chunk of money.
i couldn't sleep that night. i've head a headache all weekend and i've slipped into a complete state of panic and anxiety.
do we quickly hunt down another midwife who could flake out on us as well? pay her another chunk of our savings account?
then i wonder if this is a sign we're meant to be at the hospital - the hospital i've been fighting this whole time. and really, what am i fighting? maybe my homebirth plans are ridiculous. maybe they're not in our best interest. maybe i'm an idiot for putting us through all this frustration. for believing in this model of personalized care. for believing it's better.
i'm discouraged. i don't want to have this baby in a puddle of anxiety. i'm watching all my perfect visions of peacefully birthing this baby in my bathtub getting flushed right down the drain. i don't have the time to make the right decision - i thought i already made it.
maybe i'll put my tail between my legs and go back to the OBs who delivered liam. maybe i'll just show up to the hospital on the big day and hope for the best.
after all the anxiety i was having over this pregnancy - this is definitely one hurdle i never saw coming.
