1 month {baby and body update}

this month has truly been amazing. hard. very hard. but amazing.

each day really does get easier and more enjoyable than the last. eliot is such a sweet little lady and liam is so stinkin cute around her - always so attentive. if she's upset, he tries to rock her. if she loses her paci, he tries to get it back in her mouth. so, so amazing to watch the two of them grow together. kids make you want more kids...i guess that's the duggar phenomenon? ;)

we took eliot to the doctor today and she's gained a whopping two pounds in one month. as the ladies in the supermarket like to tell me when liam was such a chunker, "i've got good stuff". i do love chunky babies and i love breastfeeding so it's a win win :)

breastfeeding isn't working the same magic it did the first time though...i still have 29 pounds to go. ugh. i went on my first run this week - 2 miles, and it wasn't too bad. 29 pounds is just...a ton. but i have my one month photo to share....

eek, it makes me cringe a little. 54 pounds really did a number on my body - no stretch marks on my belly (not sure what miracles were involved in that...) but i have fresh ones on my hips and boobs. my hips are still super wide -  hopefully they'll go back together a little more. i can put on my "fat jeans" but no chance of buttoning them yet. my thighs are covered in cellulite. it's a long road ahead...

newborn photos

we had eliot's newborn photos taken when she was a week old. ali took them and couldn't have done a more fabulous job :) wanted to share some of my favorites

the hardest part

i guess in the back of my mind, i always knew liam would be a hard part of this - i just never knew he would be the hardest part.

he was the baby for so long and now i don't have time for him to stay in that role. i came home from the hospital with a new baby, new expectations for liam, and much less time for him than i did just 2 days prior. but i didn't realize all this at the time.

i started losing my patience quickly with him and getting frustrated because we're still patting him to sleep. when he throws his little toddler tantrums, i find myself snapping at him instead of bending down to his level and calmly asking what he wants. treating him as though it's his fault he's been babied for the past two years and now i'm ridiculously expecting him to act like a tiny mature adult. talk about mom guilt to the extreme.

i have to consciously make an effort to get extra liam snuggles - to hand eliot to will and take him to just read a book or go color. it's hard. things changed overnight, and while i was prepared to bring home a baby and be exhausted from her, i wasn't prepared enough for this - this everyday cycle of losing patience and beating myself up over struggling with liam. and it's not that bad, it's just suddenly completely different. and i feel like i'm not enough for both of them at once. eliot is a piece of cake - not that she doesn't cry ever or we forget she's here. no, she cries and has needs and is the same baby liam was. i just know what i'm doing, so it takes very little effort. i've never had a nearly two year old, starved for my attention before. that's a whole new ballgame and i'm very much learning day by day.

there are moments when things go right - when i take them to the park by myself and liam runs and laughs and eliot snoozes away in her sling and things are lovely. the good always balances out the tough. we've had plenty of good moments in the past 3 weeks and we're all adjusting.

eliot is already getting huge though. i've taken out the real camera just a handful of times, so we don't have the 900 photos we had of liam at this point and i feel i'm almost missing her newborn phase. guilt. tomorrow, i will take the camera out more.

this definitely isn't the same babymoon we had with liam - when will and i could just spend all day enjoying him, loving each other, and savoring our new life as three. it was a constant love fest. now, we're constantly running in two different directions, just trying to make it through each day. we make a point to connect every night - sit down and have some wine, talk, watch tv - but it's not the same. i feel disconnected from him and liam and it hurts. i know things will get easier and normal and before i know it, eliot will be chasing liam around and i'll be missing her sweet baby coos and wrapping her up in her pink blankets, and she'll be too big for liam to hold. for now, i'm going to go snuggle her in bed, breathe in her baby smell, and enjoy my 3 week old. tomorrow, she'll be bigger.

eliot ruby is here

eliot ruby finally came into the world yesterday morning - 11 days late.

at my 41 week appointment, my induction was set and the midwife requested to check my cervix to make a plan. when she said i was sitting at 6cm, i felt completely defeated. my body was doing nothing wrong - blood pressure was normal, baby was doing great - but they wouldn't let me cook the baby longer than 41.5 weeks. i was being forced to give up on my body and i was devastated knowing that, once again, i wouldn't get to experience spontaneous labor. i wasn't sure what was keeping this baby in - perhaps too many cheeseburgers. i gained a whopping 54 pounds. i was certain there was a 10+ pound baby in there.

so the day before my induction, i took liam out to be spoiled as the only child. we got soft pretzels and rode the train at the mall - the obnoxious one i swore we would never take him on. over the last month, there were many days that i thought were sure to be his last as an only child. i made sure to take him to the park and haul my giant belly down the slides with him, hunt for buses, spend extra time playing trucks…always dealing with somewhat regular contractions, and always waking up the next day still pregnant. in hindsight, it was nice having all that extra time to just enjoy him.

we got liam in bed the night before the scheduled induction and i was too exhausted to get emotional about it being the last night. we cleaned, finished up work, finally packed the hospital bag…and got into bed just before midnight.

i was irritated when i was woken up around 2am with a sharp contraction. 13 minutes later, another came. this was nothing new, but i was darn ticked these contractions were ruining my last night of blissful uninterrupted sleep. i tried hard to fall back asleep between them. around 3:30am, they were so painful that i was moaning and waking will up. he jumped right in and started rubbing my sides and legs during them. they got about 6 minutes apart and we decided to go downstairs, make cinnamon rolls and watch tv.

once they got down to 5 minutes, i let myself believe that i was finally in real, active labor. i called my mom and she came over in case we decided to go to the hospital before our scheduled time (7:30am). as soon as she walked in the door, the contractions spaced back out to 10 minutes. not long after that, liam woke up and i got the giant hug i needed from him. it was as if my body was waiting for that hug. my mom took him over to her house and the contractions immediately picked back up.

after a really painful one, i said it was time to go. so we went. will asked if i was up for stopping to grab donuts for the nurses on the way - sure why not. i'll always remember trailing behind him through that grocery store - grabbing my belly during contractions. surely looking like i was about to give birth right in the bakery section.

we got to the hospital at 7:45am. i had a contraction in the parking lot and decided to just tell them i was here for my scheduled induction so i didn't have to go through triage. we dropped off the donuts to a very appreciative nurses station and were shown to our room. as soon as we got in, another contraction hit and i told nurse sue that they had been going for a few hours now. she hooked me up to monitors and there was a rush to get my antibiotics going (i was gbs+ once again).

i felt very relaxed though. contractions were awful laying down, but i'm used to pitocin contractions from liam's birth, so i knew i was still nowhere close to delivering. maybe my cervix was closing up i thought - maybe i'm only at a 2 now. i was sure i'd be laboring for a while longer.

our midwife, margie, showed up not long after and said i was having some great contractions. after one ended, she asked to check me. i still wasn't in the pain i was with liam, so i was shocked when she said i was at 9cm. i felt like i had hardly done anything to get to this point. with liam, i was clinging to will for dear life and swearing i was going to die.

there was no swearing. i just buried my head into will's chest during contractions and we swayed together. he rubbed my arms and sides and told me how great i was doing. he was once again a fabulous coach and gave the same amazed look when we both knew i'd be pushing soon. that look of "oh my gosh, you're about to give birth to my child". it's the most amazing feeling.

sure enough, pushing was about to begin. margie had dimmed the lights and turned on relaxing spa music. i told her i didn't want to lay on my back to push like i did with liam. so she gave me options - they brought in a birthing stool that i could squat on or bars that i could use to squat on the bed with.

suddenly, my body said it was time to push. i couldn't make up my mind in that instant of where i wanted to be, so i just climbed on all fours on the bed and things got very, very national geographic.

i started pushing and realized i was going to give birth to this baby like an animal. i was completely naked, growling with contractions and trying to control my pushing. pushing felt much different in this position - i couldn't tell if i was getting the baby out or just taking a giant poop all over the midwife. margie assured me i was doing a fabulous job and there was no poop - just a baby coming. i pushed for a couple contractions, then a big one came and i pushed hard. the head came out and i heard margie say the cord was wrapped once and to stop pushing for a moment. she unwrapped it quickly and i pushed again and felt the same bizarre feeling as the slippery body exited mine. in that second, i remembered feeling liam be born. it's an amazing feeling - one i will never forget.

i was still on my hands and knees when margie said "it's a girl!" they helped me turn around and they placed her on my chest. i burst into tears. margie asked what her name was and i said eliot ruby.



the baby that i was certain would be a 10 pound boy was just a 7.7lb little girl. she looked so much like liam. i kissed her, i kissed will, i thanked margie. will cut the cord and we soaked her in. i'm so blessed to have that moment with my babies. it never matters where we are - just staring into their eyes for the first time and telling them how much i love them. it's instant perfection. instant bliss.

eliot took to breastfeeding like a champ. i had a small tear and margie did a few stitches - always the worst part of a birth for me. the placenta delivered soon after and everyone congratulated me on an amazing birth - i felt wonderful.

after lots of snuggles and a delicious plate of fruit, i used the bathroom then got to go with will to give eliot her first bath.



for the hospital birth that i never wanted, it was beyond perfect. the horrible downside has been the hospital is on flu lockdown and we can't have any visitors - only grandparents. this means i haven't seen liam in over 24 hours and he's yet to meet baby ewiot. my heart is going to explode when that moment finally arrives.

for now, i'm snuggling this precious new life and feeling very blessed.

41 weeks.

so i've learned that once you pass that 40 week mark, you enter a bizarre stage of pregnant psychosis where days feel like months and you forget you're actually going to have a baby. you're convinced your body isn't working and your baby is beefing up to 15 pounds. he/she/it must be stuck. must be lost. why the hell is nothing happening?

then the logical side takes over momentarily and reminds you that the baby will come out. that it's probably just getting in the perfect position and maybe had a little bit more cooking to do. it never got the due date memo. it doesn't have a calendar in there. it will come when it's ready.

and then pregnant psychosis takes over again and it happens to be valentine's day so you scarf a half dozen pink frosted donuts, walk your ass off, and decide to make a hair appointment - because that would be the perfect thing to start labor. but at the end of the day, you end up with short hair, a few extra chins, but no baby. awesome.

today marks 41 weeks of baking foosa 2. here's how it's gone down:

8am, wake up, think angry thoughts about still being pregnant, curse the contractions i had last night. put on running shoes and get on treadmill. jog 1.5 miles. poop. get dressed, run errands.

1pm, go for NST at the hospital. baby sounds perfect. midwife says "come on back and have a baby soon!" as if that hasn't been my plan for weeks now. nurse tells me to "have lots of sex!" as i'm walking out the door.

go home. have sex.

pour glass of wine, fill bath, relax in bath. tell baby to get the fuck out. i would really like to meet you. please please please.

and now i'm eating a caesar salad and bouncing on the birthing ball. i've done squats, i've eaten spicy food. i've had sex, i've eaten pineapple. i've done hands and knees to get baby in a good spot.

so i'll just keep on baking. sadly, the midwife practice won't deliver you past 41.5 weeks. i go for an ultrasound tomorrow to check fluid levels. they already scheduled the induction for thursday.

i will not come this far to get pumped with pitocin again. come oonnnnnn foosa.

pregnant psychosis.

so here i am, 5 days past the magical due date. enormous.

i'm a huge believer that baby will come when they're ready and they just aren't in the right position yet. sadly, this hasn't stopped me from the angry why isn't the baby out yet?!! thoughts. i'm only human. and i now have stretch marks on my boobs. i've never had those before. i also gained 2 pounds last week and my general attitude toward food is fuck it, i'm a whale, it doesn't matter anyway.

i was positive i'd have two kids yesterday to dress up in cute little love outfits. so when this wasn't the case, i may have spiraled down a path of psychosis involving the consumption of way too many donuts

 - starting with a horrible backache in the morning. cleaning up a poop disaster in my shower from liam, eating way too many pink donuts (f valentine's day)

happy due date, foosa 2

even though i thought i wasn't going to make it, i strangely wanted to experience today since i never made it to liam's due date. 

and i did.

today was lovely, filled with sunshine, walks to the park, activities to coax foosa 2 out of his/her cozy womb home, an entire pineapple... lots of contractions. but nothing new there. i've had more than a couple days and nights over the past 3 weeks of thinking "this is it! today's the day!" and it obviously wasn't. 

even though my back aches and my waddle is ridiculous, i've honestly had no problem staying pregnant this long. my boss asked me two weeks ago "is today the day??" and when i told her i hoped not, she said "but i thought you were ready?!" obviously carrying around a fully formed human, i'm ready to care for them on the outside, but that doesn't mean they're ready to be on the outside. 

i'm really thankful to have made it to today. i'm thankful that my blood pressure is fine this time. i'm thankful that i'm relaxed and ready to bring this life into the world on the birthday they choose. 

so happy due date, little foosa. i can't wait to meet you when you're ready to meet me. 

38 weeks {thoughts at the end of this second pregnancy}

this baby is still cooking - i'm thankful, but surprised. saturday night, i was up for 2 hours with painful and consistent contractions...i finally woke will up and he gave me a back rub that made me comfortable enough to fall asleep finally. then last night i started having contractions while we were at the grocery store. we got home, made dinner, and talked about our plan...we both thought it was the night. four hours later, they tapered off and we went to bed, thankful this foosa decided to stay put for another night.

totally fine with me if my body very slowly wants to gear up for labor. the more work it does now, the less it has for the big event. i learned this last time. i'm still somehow in denial that the baby is actually coming. i still haven't packed a hospital bag.

i want to look back though and remember that despite my strange state of disbelief spanning this entire pregnancy, i'm still excited. i still find myself in the nursery, soaking up the neatly organized newborn diapers and running my fingers over the teeny little sweaters and knit pants. i'm thankful that there's so little mystery this time and i can look forward to this newborn stage in a very realistic way. i know i'll be nursing this babe a lot and it will hurt for a good bit. i know they'll be sleeping in bed with me for a while. i know they won't be sleeping through the night at 3 months. i know how recovery is going to be. i know how to wear them, how to burp them, how to soothe them. i guess with realistic expectations, i'm feeling more excited about what's to come than nervous about the unknown.

i talked about being much more relaxed at the beginning of this pregnancy and how nice it was to feel that way. and it's the same at the end. i never reached the same level of excitement as i did with liam because i just plain knew what was coming every step. the kicks were still just as magical and i still got the same feelings watching will rub my belly and talk to baby e. i learned that feeling ok and excited about this pregnancy doesn't correlate at all to my love for this foosa. that being pregnant while you have a toddler is for crazy people. but lots of people do it, and i know it will be worth it again if we decide to have another foosa down the road.

but man, it's hard. it was a hard journey and i know i have very, very easy pregnancies. so my heart goes out to all the mamas who don't have it so easy. i was blessed to run almost the whole pregnancy (too afraid at this point that it will make the baby fall out. can't have that. oh, and i would much rather just freaking take a nap now.), blessed that everything has been normal and healthy.

at 38 weeks, i've gained 50 (!!) pounds, i crave cheeseburgers and soft pretzels daily, and i would really appreciate this foosa baking for the remaining 2 weeks. then i'm ready to find out if it's a he or she. i'm sure that moment will be worth it at the end, but i'm not sure i'll do this whole surprise thing again - as relaxed as i like to be, who am i kidding, i'm a total nut and am shocked myself that i haven't found out by now.

and on a side note, liam is 21 months now. how did that happen?!

term. plan b. foosa's first haircut.

oh hey, we've reached "term". for some reason, i still feel like i have 5 more months...daily contractions and this enormous belly remind me otherwise. this pregnancy felt about 2 months long.

i made freezer meals today. i cleaned my house. i have a teeny little sweater for this babe to wear home. we're ready.

after lots of tears and talking, we decided the home birth just wasn't working out this time. some people don't understand it to begin with, but we were passionate about it and coming to accept this new plan at the end of this pregnancy was a challenge for me. but it's working out - the hospital midwives agreed to take us back against their standard policy. they're a great group of women (and hey, i'll actually get to meet all of them before this kid shows up), and it's really not the end of the world.

if there's a #3 somewhere in our future, we've learned our lesson and will know what to look for to make the home birth work.

for now, we're enjoying the last little bit with our one foosa. i worked up the nerve to take him for his first haircut. neither of us cried.