i have posts swimming around my head - ever since i committed to bringing some life back to this space, i've wanted to sit down and write something - anything - but all that i can muster up is what a blur the months have been lately. how i feel as though i'm walking around with a giant cloud over my head. when it rains, liam asks "why is it raining?" and while his meteorologist father gives a lengthy response, i tell him that the clouds were too full and now they're letting it all go.
my head cloud is filled to the max lately and i need a good rain. but i don't have time for a good rain...i need to let all the rubbish that's polluting my head cloud go because i have no control over most of it.
we just had a lovely weekend - it was the first in a month and a half that i wasn't filming a wedding. we celebrated our 6th anniversary and did things like make pumpkin spice lattes after rainy morning snuggle fests when the kids let us sleep til 8:45, we hiked, i got a good run in. i took liam on a date to buy a couple halloween decorations because he's been begging to "get ready for halloween and get some spooooooky things" (he's been saying that in a dracula voice and spooky fingers so you can imagine we just couldn't say no) so yea, so many good things that let us slow down and reconnect. that's when my head cloud parts and i can see the here and now so clearly - it's such a blessing to be in the here and now.
but now it's sunday night and the to do list starts rolling - that nagging feeling of not having accomplished enough over the weekend. all that i didn't do overshadows all that we did.
the head cloud takes over - it looks something like: WHY is our house not selling, why didn't i mop our kitchen floors today?!, i need to organize my business better, i need to get more work done, why is my kid's foot in my face EVERY night, MARATHON training (or complete lack thereof because TIME), WAY TOO MUCH TO DO, EVERYTHING AWFUL in the world, KEEP KIDS SAFE, should we have another baby?!, if one more person tells me not to have another baby because 3 kids is sucking for them that means we probably just shouldn't have another baby, RUN, zombies?, banana foot, ANOTHER FREAKING HOUSE SHOWING, VACUUM ALL THE THINGS, do you think the people coming to see the house in 10 minutes could possibly have EBOLA? RUN
it goes on and each day somehow manages to take on an even more irrational form than the previous.
but tonight, after this lovely weekend, i can silence it a bit. i can choose to focus on the good. all the crazy good things that are currently surrounding us.
even though we can't seem to sell it, we have a house. a roof over our head. our kids aren't hungry. they aren't cold. they have a yard to run in.
even though i'm rounding out my marathon training and my knees are giving me the finger every time i think "just 10 miles today" - i'm running a marathon. i have two legs that work and a freaking amazing husband cheering me on and taking our kids to splash in puddles while i pound the pavement.
even though i will go to bed tonight with a sticky kitchen floor, i have a kid who's so happy i chose to take him shopping for spooooooky decorations instead of taking the time to mop a damn floor.
even though eliot's pediatrician referred us to a pediatric orthopedic for her banana feet - they turn in and we've always known this. the curve originates up in her leg instead of just her foot. no matter how this turns out - wearing braces or whatever she'll have to do - we're lucky and freaking blessed with two happy and healthy kids. i know this tiny hiccup is just that - tiny and minuscule compared to what many other parents have to walk through with their kids.
and even though i have this tiny business which is suddenly picking up and taking over every weekend, all my spare time, and most of our bank account - i'm ridiculously blessed that god gave me this talent and passion and means of starting something that will hopefully (eventually) let me spend more time with my kids and quit the job that keeps me away from them.
i choose joy.
choosing joy and focusing on the positive, i'm learning, isn't a blessing - it's a talent. it's a practice. it's a choice.
