yes, those are hearts on lylah - she has one spot on her neck that's heart-shaped so this photoshopping of the spots became tradition when she was a puppy :)
i woke up to this little face this morning - much better than the hugely overdue belly i woke up to last valentine's then proceeded to drown my annoyance in 6 pink frosted donuts. ha!
so the chunking thing...before i got pregnant with my first foosa, i never questioned what i would be - i was going to be a stay at home mama. i saw my whole mothering experience defined in that way.
and staying at home with my babies is still my "goal" so up until now, i've viewed myself as a failure since i haven't met it.
have you read this article? i read it a few days ago and couldn't quite tell immediately why it rubbed me the wrong way.
it's basically just each side of the mama spectrum giving each other a high five and putting an end to the endless mommy war over which is "right" or easier - staying at home raising babies or working while you raise your babies.
and i realized it irritates me that we all try to shove ourselves into these boxes - we shove our entire motherhood experience into one tiny box to be judged by our peers. i have a job - like many other mamas - because i have to. we have to pay our mortgage. we have to pay student loans. we have to feed four humans and a dog and can't do all that off one salary. we're 28. we may have a house that's bigger than what we need but our current situation is what it is.
and i've heard many, many mamas say if you don't like your current situation, only you can change it. don't sit there complaining. just do something about it.
and trust me, that's the voice i hear every. single. day.
do something about it.
i'll be sitting at work and have the urge to just call our realtor and say fuck it, we're listing tomorrow. i fantasize about walking into my boss' office and saying peace out. not because i dislike my job or my boss - but because almost every single day i catch myself feeling jealous of our nanny that she's holding my baby at that exact moment and it should be me.
and i've been dealing with that guilt for almost three years now - since the first day we dropped liam off at his sitter.
i remember pumping at work when liam was a baby - thinking to myself how much i couldn't wait until the next baby. how i would hardly have to pump because i would be home all the time. how lucky that would be.
i never in a million years saw myself as a working mama. life always has a way of surprising us and making us realize that even though we planned for a certain situation and were sure we were on path to be in a certain box, that maybe there are a few other paths we would have to take first. and that's where i am now - my second chunk, my second turn on the path to my goal.
instead of looking at my experience thus far and saying i'm a working mama, constantly feeling guilty, feeling like a failure - i can look at it and know that i'm doing the very best i can in this current chunk - that i've worked really hard to be home with my babes as much as possible. i still have to be in an office part time - but that's hardly the most defining part of my whole experience. there are always small changes that can be made to make each chunk a little more bearable. a little more enjoyable. but viewing the big picture - instead of each chunk - makes it harder to really focus on what those changes might be; how you can make the best of your current situation.
if you want to judge me as a mother, there are plenty of other aspects to pick apart other than what i have to do to make our financial ends meet. the way i parent my kids is the most important to me - and i know it's what i'll be able to look back on and smile about in 20 years. i may have had to work out of the home for a small chunk of my kid's lives, but that small chunk in no way will define my entire experience as a mama.
so fellow mama - whether you work, don't work, work at home, work in an office, in a school, in a boat, with a goat...i know you're doing your best in your current chunk. i could care less what you have to do to pay your mortgage. i care way more that you're teaching your kid to be a kind human so we have less bullies in schools - because it doesn't take a genius to see that crappy behavior starts at home and runs rampant on this darn internet. kindness starts at home. let's be kind to each other and know there's probably a reason for every decision - even if that reason isn't apparent.
and on that note - enjoy your love day :) xo
