what running a marathon reminded me about life.

a few months ago, i came across some blogs hating on those 26.2 stickers. "you should just put a RUN sticker on there, it would get the same message across. you don't need to rub it in people's faces"

and i get it. like anything in our lives, we're berated with constant achievements of others - photos of beautifully clean houses, happy children, expensive family vacations, promotions at work, beautiful new clothes…so many things that you can pick apart and feel like your life is lacking all those things therefore isn't enough. but are those other women beating you at life? are you losing because they seem to be winning?

nope, not at all. we need to remind ourselves that we're all playing vastly different games here.

i think we all have the same goal - to raise happy kids, right? but we're all getting there in different ways. and they all involve being a happy mama, right? maybe buying shoes keeps you happy or crafting the perfect handmade christmas decorations. maybe it's working and getting that promotion. whatever it is, keep doing it. for me, running is it. and i trained for over 6 months to force my legs to keep moving for 4.5 hours. those legs carried me 26.2 miles. i think they earned themselves a damn little 26.2 sticker if that's what they wanted.

so many people spend their time tearing down other's accomplishments instead of celebrating them. and i get it, it's human to have feelings and we can't always control what might bring out that competitive beast that seems to live within all of us. it's a constant battle of comparisons. if not of our own goals and accomplishments, then those of our children.

it took me a long time to not see posts from other mamas - look! my son just built this entire lego castle himself! or he completed this entire 500 piece puzzle! all alone! no help! he's a genius! he writes his name perfectly already!

it was hard for me to not wonder why my kid wasn't doing those same things. and sadly, it took me a bit of time to realize he's doing different amazing things right now. he's good at so much. he's not in a competition with those children. he's playing his own game. he's having fun. he's learning every single day. and my one job is to celebrate him, raise him up, and keep cheering him on in whatever goal he makes - big or little.

so running that marathon? that was my big goal for now. i did it for me. to prove to myself that i could do it. and i did.

life cloud

life has been crazy. i've been writing that sentence here for over 4 years now. there's really no point to me coming back and wasting time talking about how life just doesn't slow down. yet here i am.

i have posts swimming around my head - ever since i committed to bringing some life back to this space, i've wanted to sit down and write something - anything - but all that i can muster up is what a blur the months have been lately. how i feel as though i'm walking around with a giant cloud over my head. when it rains, liam asks "why is it raining?" and while his meteorologist father gives a lengthy response, i tell him that the clouds were too full and now they're letting it all go.

my head cloud is filled to the max lately and i need a good rain. but i don't have time for a good rain...i need to let all the rubbish that's polluting my head cloud go because i have no control over most of it.

we just had a lovely weekend - it was the first in a month and a half that i wasn't filming a wedding. we celebrated our 6th anniversary and did things like make pumpkin spice lattes after rainy morning snuggle fests when the kids let us sleep til 8:45, we hiked, i got a good run in. i took liam on a date to buy a couple halloween decorations because he's been begging to "get ready for halloween and get some spooooooky things" (he's been saying that in a dracula voice and spooky fingers so you can imagine we just couldn't say no) so yea, so many good things that let us slow down and reconnect. that's when my head cloud parts and i can see the here and now so clearly - it's such a blessing to be in the here and now.

but now it's sunday night and the to do list starts rolling - that nagging feeling of not having accomplished enough over the weekend. all that i didn't do overshadows all that we did.

the head cloud takes over - it looks something like: WHY is our house not selling, why didn't i mop our kitchen floors today?!, i need to organize my business better, i need to get more work done, why is my kid's foot in my face EVERY night, MARATHON training (or complete lack thereof because TIME), WAY TOO MUCH TO DO, EVERYTHING AWFUL in the world, KEEP KIDS SAFE, should we have another baby?!, if one more person tells me not to have another baby because 3 kids is sucking for them that means we probably just shouldn't have another baby,  RUN, zombies?, banana foot, ANOTHER FREAKING HOUSE SHOWING, VACUUM ALL THE THINGS, do you think the people coming to see the house in 10 minutes could possibly have EBOLA? RUN

it goes on and each day somehow manages to take on an even more irrational form than the previous.

but tonight, after this lovely weekend, i can silence it a bit. i can choose to focus on the good. all the crazy good things that are currently surrounding us.

even though we can't seem to sell it, we have a house. a roof over our head. our kids aren't hungry. they aren't cold. they have a yard to run in.

even though i'm rounding out my marathon training and my knees are giving me the finger every time i think "just 10 miles today" - i'm running a marathon. i have two legs that work and a freaking amazing husband cheering me on and taking our kids to splash in puddles while i pound the pavement.

even though i will go to bed tonight with a sticky kitchen floor,  i have a kid who's so happy i chose to take him shopping for spooooooky decorations instead of taking the time to mop a damn floor.

even though eliot's pediatrician referred us to a pediatric orthopedic for her banana feet - they turn in and we've always known this. the curve originates up in her leg instead of just her foot. no matter how this turns out - wearing braces or whatever she'll have to do - we're lucky and freaking blessed with two happy and healthy kids. i know this tiny hiccup is just that - tiny and minuscule compared to what many other parents have to walk through with their kids.

and even though i have this tiny business which is suddenly picking up and taking over every weekend, all my spare time, and most of our bank account - i'm ridiculously blessed that god gave me this talent and passion and means of starting something that will hopefully (eventually) let me spend more time with my kids and quit the job that keeps me away from them.

i choose joy.

choosing joy and focusing on the positive, i'm learning, isn't a blessing - it's a talent. it's a practice. it's a choice.

hi, friends

hi!

is anyone out there? man, i have to admit i've miserably failed at keeping up with any blogs lately. this little space kept getting strange comments on past posts so i went back - and as much as i loved reading past posts and seeing how far i've come in this mothering journey - there was a whole lot i didn't want to leave just hanging out there for anyone to see. i love being open and honest and sharing hard times so we know we're all in this beautiful struggle together, but there were posts on here that just didn't speak to who i am today or how i want to be seen. not in a don't look at my messy house way, but in a way that i would read past posts and feel that wasn't the tone i wanted to be adding to the internet. 

i think we're all learning, the further we get down this path of motherhood, that this isn't a one size fits all gig. i feel, especially recently, the internet world has made great progress in stressing the fact that even if we don't all make the same choices, no one is making the one right choice. no one is winning motherhood. no one is failing. everyone feels they aren't enough. and no one, absolutely no one, needs one extra space to feel anything short of a loving high five. 

so hi! i'm here! we're here!

i'm not pregnant. our house is still for sale. i'm still working two jobs. my kids are still growing way too much. we're still ridiculously blessed and are reminded of that daily. we still have big goals of simplifying our life. i'd love to share them as our journey unfolds. 

i've missed this teeny space and i've missed you. let me know how you're doing! xo

ps, photos are by the lovely ali caudill 

in defense of instagram

social media.

it's such a bitch. 

but it can also be such a blessing. 

i'll go ahead and admit that i mostly fail at facebook. and that's ok with me. lately, i've been failing at updating this blog, and that's ok, too. life is happening. lots of life. 

but instagram? i'll openly admit that i love it. i'm thankful for it. i know it can be both a blessing and curse to many. i know it can be hard to be bombarded with the highlight reels of others. it makes them look perfect - it leaves far too much room for judgment - both of yourself and them. 

and i have zero problem admitting my ig photos are highlights. they're the 2% of magic that happens daily in my life and i'm blessed when i have my phone in my pocket to pull out and quickly snap that moment. 

of course there's 98% of my day that's not plastered on instagram. 98% of my messy life - of cleaning up poop off the carpet because eliot loves to poop on carpet. of me burning dinners and losing my patience with my kids. of my kids fighting and sitting in timeout and screaming their faces off. of fights over brushing teeth or eating 3 bites of dinner. of trying on clothes that my mama body doesn't fit into anymore and feeling bad about myself. of finding yet another wrinkle, another ant in my kitchen, another pile of dirty clothes. of the hour i said fuck it and let frozen entertain my kids so i could get some work done. all of that happens at your house? yes, mine too. it's cool if you're not whipping out your phone to share it with me.

but those 2 seconds of magic that you're able to capture and plaster on your ig feed? please keep doing it. plaster the shit out of those 2 seconds because i love celebrating life with you. if i've met you in real life, if we've bonded on message boards or on this blog or your blog. motherhood can be lonely and finding mamas you click with isn't easy. social media helps a bit and i don't mind admitting i've made a few lovely friends through it. friends who we've gone out of our way on trips to meet, friends who have been so loving and generous to my babes, friends i feel like i've known for years. and it's really an honor to follow their 2% of daily magic. because i know it's just that - 2%. they also have messy rooms not pictured. screaming kids. they're probably snapping the damn photo braless with no makeup. and that's awesome. and if you did get a bra on today and some mascara and felt like getting behind that camera for a selfie with your babe? rock on. i completely understand that's not an everyday occurrence. in no way does it make me feel bad for not washing my hair in three days. 

i've spent many, many moments scrolling my own feed at work. missing my babes and being able to pull up those magic moments. they immediately take me back and i can hear liam's sweet voice and feel eliot's delicious chub.  they help get me through the day, through the pumping session, through a moment of frustration when i just need a reminder of what's truly important - those faces. those smiles. those moments of pure magic. 

i have zero regrets of pulling out my phone during these moments and capturing them. i'm thankful i have them. i print them and hang them on my walls. these are the fastest years and while i'm sitting here at my desk and time is dragging on, i'm itching to get home and squeeze these babes who are bigger than they were yesterday. i woke up at 5:30 this morning and got eliot out of her crib to sleep nurse her before putting her back in her crib, getting dressed and heading to this lonely desk where i sit. right now, they're probably laughing and playing in our backyard with our sitter and that breaks my heart. but i can look at these moments i have with them and know in a few hours i get to head home and spend a few precious hours with them before tucking them in bed once again. if magic happens and my phone is nearby, you're damn sure i'll be snapping it and probably sharing it as i nurse eliot to sleep so i can pull it back out tomorrow and savor away. 

if you want to savor along with me, that's lovely. please know it's just 2% though. 

my first birth

i filmed my first birth this week. it was amazing.

i knew birth was amazing and powerful and emotional but to witness it and take in the strength and power of a mama bringing new life into the world..oh my...it's just magical.


such an honor to do this. i can't even wait for my next birth in july!

and incase you're bored and want to see more of my videos, here is my facebook page and here's my website :)

happy friday, friends :) have a lovely weekend!
xo

showing support to one side doesn't equate showing hate to another.

spoiler alert: this is a formula vs breastfeeding rant. you've been warned.

i'm pro-breastfeeding.

photo by ali caudill

and that doesn't make me anti-formula.

i did make a decision of how i wanted to feed my kids. it was the right decision for me and for them. i'm proud of my decision. and i'll support other mamas who make that same choice.

does that mean i'm sitting here, giving a giant finger to all the formula feeders?

heck no.

so i'm sick of this finger pointing that being pro-breastfeeding means i'm automatically anti-formula.

is it possible to choose a side of the fence and support others on that same side without being accused of flinging shit at the other?

make your own decisions. be proud of them. stand behind them and support others who share your beliefs. but stop taking down the other side. and don't accuse me of taking down your side just because i'm peacefully standing on the other. 

i understand and agree that we're all just feeding our babies and any mama is a good mama who does so. but let's be honest - there are two choices here and one was designed as a backup. does choosing one make the other a horribly wrong choice for all who choose it? i really don't think so.

you're allowed to choose your path and know it's right. so allow me the same.

there's a study that just came out.

it looked at a group of breastfed vs formula kids and the breastfed kids ranked higher in the different areas (IQ, overall health, etc etc, same story as many other studies). but then they took a subset of the breastfed kids and measured them against their formula-fed sibling and there were nearly no differences in the two.

so instead of looking at all the other factors here that produce long-term health and intelligence outcomes, they jumped straight to the conclusion that breastfeeding has zero benefit over formula.

this is an awesome article that outlines the holes in the study.

now i don't bring this to my blog to wave my finger and say don't you dare say formula is just as good as breastmilk. but i will wave my finger and say how dare you say breastfeeding has no benefit?

i posted a link to the article on my fb page and was immediately attacked for being anti-formula.

even though i don't find the conclusion of that study to be valid for all the reasons in the article i just linked, i'm under no delusion that a formula baby and breastfed baby can't grow up to be just as healthy and just as intelligent. i don't think women breastfeed for the sole purpose of boosting their child's IQ a few points. you can't nurse a baby for two years then sit them in front of a tv with a big mac for the rest of their childhood and expect them to be any healthier or smarter than a kid who was formula fed and then lived a healthier lifestyle.

there are too many factors that go into child raising. there are too many battles that can be made out of nothing. can't we all stop dancing around the question of who's making the better decision? breastmilk and formula are two very different substances. i believe the short-term benefits of breastmilk are unmatched - i give it full credit as to why neither of my kids have ever suffered more than a cold. but that statement wasn't formula is poison. it was breastmilk is pretty amazing. there's no argument to be had.

i think that feeding and caring for your baby makes you a good mother. i support you if you breastfeed your baby because i'm on that side of the fence. i think it's amazing and comes with a long list of benefits to both mama and baby. i'm not on the formula side but that doesn't mean i think you are doing a bad job if you are. stand behind your choice and don't accuse me of taking you down because i made a different one.

more gems from ali

happy valentine's. and chunking my motherhood experience

happy valentine's, friends. i hope your day is filled with love :)

yes, those are hearts on lylah - she has one spot on her neck that's heart-shaped so this photoshopping of the spots became tradition when she was a puppy :)

i woke up to this little face this morning - much better than the hugely overdue belly i woke up to last valentine's then proceeded to drown my annoyance in 6 pink frosted donuts. ha!

so the chunking thing...before i got pregnant with my first foosa, i never questioned what i would be - i was going to be a stay at home mama. i saw my whole mothering experience defined in that way.

and staying at home with my babies is still my "goal" so up until now, i've viewed myself as a failure since i haven't met it.

have you read this article? i read it a few days ago and couldn't quite tell immediately why it rubbed me the wrong way.

it's basically just each side of the mama spectrum giving each other a high five and putting an end to the endless mommy war over which is "right" or easier - staying at home raising babies or working while you raise your babies.

and i realized it irritates me that we all try to shove ourselves into these boxes - we shove our entire motherhood experience into one tiny box to be judged by our peers. i have a job - like many other mamas - because i have to. we have to pay our mortgage. we have to pay student loans. we have to feed four humans and a dog and can't do all that off one salary. we're 28. we may have a house that's bigger than what we need but our current situation is what it is.

and i've heard many, many mamas say if you don't like your current situation, only you can change it. don't sit there complaining. just do something about it.

and trust me, that's the voice i hear every. single. day.

do something about it.

i'll be sitting at work and have the urge to just call our realtor and say fuck it, we're listing tomorrow. i fantasize about walking into my boss' office and saying peace out. not because i dislike my job or my boss - but because almost every single day i catch myself feeling jealous of our nanny that she's holding my baby at that exact moment and it should be me.

and i've been dealing with that guilt for almost three years now - since the first day we dropped liam off at his sitter.

i remember pumping at work when liam was a baby - thinking to myself how much i couldn't wait until the next baby. how i would hardly have to pump because i would be home all the time. how lucky that would be.

i never in a million years saw myself as a working mama. life always has a way of surprising us and making us realize that even though we planned for a certain situation and were sure we were on path to be in a certain box, that maybe there are a few other paths we would have to take first. and that's where i am now - my second chunk, my second turn on the path to my goal.

instead of looking at my experience thus far and saying i'm a working mama, constantly feeling guilty, feeling like a failure - i can look at it and know that i'm doing the very best i can in this current chunk - that i've worked really hard to be home with my babes as much as possible. i still have to be in an office part time - but that's hardly the most defining part of my whole experience. there are always small changes that can be made to make each chunk a little more bearable. a little more enjoyable. but viewing the big picture - instead of each chunk - makes it harder to really focus on what those changes might be;  how you can make the best of your current situation.

if you want to judge me as a mother, there are plenty of other aspects to pick apart other than what i have to do to make our financial ends meet. the way i parent my kids is the most important to me - and i know it's what i'll be able to look back on and smile about in 20 years. i may have had to work out of the home for a small chunk of my kid's lives, but that small chunk in no way will define my entire experience as a mama.

so fellow mama - whether you work, don't work, work at home, work in an office, in a school, in a boat, with a goat...i know you're doing your best  in your current chunk. i could care less what you have to do to pay your mortgage. i care way more that you're teaching your kid to be a kind human so we have less bullies in schools - because it doesn't take a genius to see that crappy behavior starts at home and runs rampant on this darn internet. kindness starts at home. let's be kind to each other and know there's probably a reason for every decision - even if that reason isn't apparent.

and on that note - enjoy your love day :) xo