38 weeks {thoughts at the end of this second pregnancy}

this baby is still cooking - i'm thankful, but surprised. saturday night, i was up for 2 hours with painful and consistent contractions...i finally woke will up and he gave me a back rub that made me comfortable enough to fall asleep finally. then last night i started having contractions while we were at the grocery store. we got home, made dinner, and talked about our plan...we both thought it was the night. four hours later, they tapered off and we went to bed, thankful this foosa decided to stay put for another night.

totally fine with me if my body very slowly wants to gear up for labor. the more work it does now, the less it has for the big event. i learned this last time. i'm still somehow in denial that the baby is actually coming. i still haven't packed a hospital bag.

i want to look back though and remember that despite my strange state of disbelief spanning this entire pregnancy, i'm still excited. i still find myself in the nursery, soaking up the neatly organized newborn diapers and running my fingers over the teeny little sweaters and knit pants. i'm thankful that there's so little mystery this time and i can look forward to this newborn stage in a very realistic way. i know i'll be nursing this babe a lot and it will hurt for a good bit. i know they'll be sleeping in bed with me for a while. i know they won't be sleeping through the night at 3 months. i know how recovery is going to be. i know how to wear them, how to burp them, how to soothe them. i guess with realistic expectations, i'm feeling more excited about what's to come than nervous about the unknown.

i talked about being much more relaxed at the beginning of this pregnancy and how nice it was to feel that way. and it's the same at the end. i never reached the same level of excitement as i did with liam because i just plain knew what was coming every step. the kicks were still just as magical and i still got the same feelings watching will rub my belly and talk to baby e. i learned that feeling ok and excited about this pregnancy doesn't correlate at all to my love for this foosa. that being pregnant while you have a toddler is for crazy people. but lots of people do it, and i know it will be worth it again if we decide to have another foosa down the road.

but man, it's hard. it was a hard journey and i know i have very, very easy pregnancies. so my heart goes out to all the mamas who don't have it so easy. i was blessed to run almost the whole pregnancy (too afraid at this point that it will make the baby fall out. can't have that. oh, and i would much rather just freaking take a nap now.), blessed that everything has been normal and healthy.

at 38 weeks, i've gained 50 (!!) pounds, i crave cheeseburgers and soft pretzels daily, and i would really appreciate this foosa baking for the remaining 2 weeks. then i'm ready to find out if it's a he or she. i'm sure that moment will be worth it at the end, but i'm not sure i'll do this whole surprise thing again - as relaxed as i like to be, who am i kidding, i'm a total nut and am shocked myself that i haven't found out by now.

and on a side note, liam is 21 months now. how did that happen?!

term. plan b. foosa's first haircut.

oh hey, we've reached "term". for some reason, i still feel like i have 5 more months...daily contractions and this enormous belly remind me otherwise. this pregnancy felt about 2 months long.

i made freezer meals today. i cleaned my house. i have a teeny little sweater for this babe to wear home. we're ready.

after lots of tears and talking, we decided the home birth just wasn't working out this time. some people don't understand it to begin with, but we were passionate about it and coming to accept this new plan at the end of this pregnancy was a challenge for me. but it's working out - the hospital midwives agreed to take us back against their standard policy. they're a great group of women (and hey, i'll actually get to meet all of them before this kid shows up), and it's really not the end of the world.

if there's a #3 somewhere in our future, we've learned our lesson and will know what to look for to make the home birth work.

for now, we're enjoying the last little bit with our one foosa. i worked up the nerve to take him for his first haircut. neither of us cried.