1 month {baby and body update}

this month has truly been amazing. hard. very hard. but amazing.

each day really does get easier and more enjoyable than the last. eliot is such a sweet little lady and liam is so stinkin cute around her - always so attentive. if she's upset, he tries to rock her. if she loses her paci, he tries to get it back in her mouth. so, so amazing to watch the two of them grow together. kids make you want more kids...i guess that's the duggar phenomenon? ;)

we took eliot to the doctor today and she's gained a whopping two pounds in one month. as the ladies in the supermarket like to tell me when liam was such a chunker, "i've got good stuff". i do love chunky babies and i love breastfeeding so it's a win win :)

breastfeeding isn't working the same magic it did the first time though...i still have 29 pounds to go. ugh. i went on my first run this week - 2 miles, and it wasn't too bad. 29 pounds is just...a ton. but i have my one month photo to share....

eek, it makes me cringe a little. 54 pounds really did a number on my body - no stretch marks on my belly (not sure what miracles were involved in that...) but i have fresh ones on my hips and boobs. my hips are still super wide -  hopefully they'll go back together a little more. i can put on my "fat jeans" but no chance of buttoning them yet. my thighs are covered in cellulite. it's a long road ahead...

newborn photos

we had eliot's newborn photos taken when she was a week old. ali took them and couldn't have done a more fabulous job :) wanted to share some of my favorites

the hardest part

i guess in the back of my mind, i always knew liam would be a hard part of this - i just never knew he would be the hardest part.

he was the baby for so long and now i don't have time for him to stay in that role. i came home from the hospital with a new baby, new expectations for liam, and much less time for him than i did just 2 days prior. but i didn't realize all this at the time.

i started losing my patience quickly with him and getting frustrated because we're still patting him to sleep. when he throws his little toddler tantrums, i find myself snapping at him instead of bending down to his level and calmly asking what he wants. treating him as though it's his fault he's been babied for the past two years and now i'm ridiculously expecting him to act like a tiny mature adult. talk about mom guilt to the extreme.

i have to consciously make an effort to get extra liam snuggles - to hand eliot to will and take him to just read a book or go color. it's hard. things changed overnight, and while i was prepared to bring home a baby and be exhausted from her, i wasn't prepared enough for this - this everyday cycle of losing patience and beating myself up over struggling with liam. and it's not that bad, it's just suddenly completely different. and i feel like i'm not enough for both of them at once. eliot is a piece of cake - not that she doesn't cry ever or we forget she's here. no, she cries and has needs and is the same baby liam was. i just know what i'm doing, so it takes very little effort. i've never had a nearly two year old, starved for my attention before. that's a whole new ballgame and i'm very much learning day by day.

there are moments when things go right - when i take them to the park by myself and liam runs and laughs and eliot snoozes away in her sling and things are lovely. the good always balances out the tough. we've had plenty of good moments in the past 3 weeks and we're all adjusting.

eliot is already getting huge though. i've taken out the real camera just a handful of times, so we don't have the 900 photos we had of liam at this point and i feel i'm almost missing her newborn phase. guilt. tomorrow, i will take the camera out more.

this definitely isn't the same babymoon we had with liam - when will and i could just spend all day enjoying him, loving each other, and savoring our new life as three. it was a constant love fest. now, we're constantly running in two different directions, just trying to make it through each day. we make a point to connect every night - sit down and have some wine, talk, watch tv - but it's not the same. i feel disconnected from him and liam and it hurts. i know things will get easier and normal and before i know it, eliot will be chasing liam around and i'll be missing her sweet baby coos and wrapping her up in her pink blankets, and she'll be too big for liam to hold. for now, i'm going to go snuggle her in bed, breathe in her baby smell, and enjoy my 3 week old. tomorrow, she'll be bigger.