he was the baby for so long and now i don't have time for him to stay in that role. i came home from the hospital with a new baby, new expectations for liam, and much less time for him than i did just 2 days prior. but i didn't realize all this at the time.
i started losing my patience quickly with him and getting frustrated because we're still patting him to sleep. when he throws his little toddler tantrums, i find myself snapping at him instead of bending down to his level and calmly asking what he wants. treating him as though it's his fault he's been babied for the past two years and now i'm ridiculously expecting him to act like a tiny mature adult. talk about mom guilt to the extreme.
i have to consciously make an effort to get extra liam snuggles - to hand eliot to will and take him to just read a book or go color. it's hard. things changed overnight, and while i was prepared to bring home a baby and be exhausted from her, i wasn't prepared enough for this - this everyday cycle of losing patience and beating myself up over struggling with liam. and it's not that bad, it's just suddenly completely different. and i feel like i'm not enough for both of them at once. eliot is a piece of cake - not that she doesn't cry ever or we forget she's here. no, she cries and has needs and is the same baby liam was. i just know what i'm doing, so it takes very little effort. i've never had a nearly two year old, starved for my attention before. that's a whole new ballgame and i'm very much learning day by day.
there are moments when things go right - when i take them to the park by myself and liam runs and laughs and eliot snoozes away in her sling and things are lovely. the good always balances out the tough. we've had plenty of good moments in the past 3 weeks and we're all adjusting.
eliot is already getting huge though. i've taken out the real camera just a handful of times, so we don't have the 900 photos we had of liam at this point and i feel i'm almost missing her newborn phase. guilt. tomorrow, i will take the camera out more.
this definitely isn't the same babymoon we had with liam - when will and i could just spend all day enjoying him, loving each other, and savoring our new life as three. it was a constant love fest. now, we're constantly running in two different directions, just trying to make it through each day. we make a point to connect every night - sit down and have some wine, talk, watch tv - but it's not the same. i feel disconnected from him and liam and it hurts. i know things will get easier and normal and before i know it, eliot will be chasing liam around and i'll be missing her sweet baby coos and wrapping her up in her pink blankets, and she'll be too big for liam to hold. for now, i'm going to go snuggle her in bed, breathe in her baby smell, and enjoy my 3 week old. tomorrow, she'll be bigger.
Thanks for sharing. I'm terrified I won't be mom enough for both boys. I'm terrified that Hen will feel abandoned. And was really thinking (pre-clubfoot diagnosis) that the abbymoon would be the same so I've been really internalizing this angst about not having that babymoon becasue of the new baby's condition. It really is a relief to hear that we wouldn't have had that babymoon anyway. It gives me some time to prepare my brain.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing great, you are learning and adjusting just like Liam is. And you're killing it!
I still feel the same way, 11 months after bringing #2 home. You're in survival mode now, still trying to find your footing, and there's nothing wrong with that. The fact that you are aware and doing your best to prevent any issues shows how much you care. Liam may get a little crazy at points, his tears might seem larger and his cries might seem louder, but he'll get past it. Remember, all your kids see right now are two amazing people who love them very much, who would do anything for them, and they will always love you.
ReplyDeleteAnd now I have Whitney Houston stuck in my head.
So normal. Also, 3 weeks is like, the peak of baby hormonal/blues, etc. Nothing out of the ordinary for sure. You will adjust. I think that is the one part of kid #2 that people tend to forget to write in the books. Your first will have trouble in some form, and so will you. He is a new part of the family now. He is your oldest, and he is still a baby also. It will come mama. Focus on those great days, and remember those. You are at least conscious of the changes, and can then work on them.
ReplyDeleteBut really, it's been 3 weeks. Life will adjust. It's still all so very new! You are doing wonderful!
I recently found your blog-congratulations on the arrival of your little girl! I have 2 little girls - 4 years and 22 months. There is nothing like that time as a family of three! Life as 3 is generally easy, fun, and well, perfect. I felt nothing but love all the time. Then our high-spirited second girl came along and things were suddenly more complicated and stressful. You will adjust! It helped me to redefine my role as a mom of two. I felt grateful I had 2+ years with just one, and had to recognize that things are just different now and that is okay. Giving Liam the gift of a sibling and all the love that you will continue to give him will far outweigh these small day-to-day moments that are trying.
ReplyDeleteMy iPhone cut me off! Trying to comment while holding a sleeping baby is not always easy. I wanted to end by saying, keep up the good work! One day you will look back and laugh at all the chaos. We still laugh about our first beach vacation as a family of 4-it was as if I took a vacation with the baby (we walked, nursed, napped etc.) while my husband was on vacation with our toddler (they played at the beach, playground, etc.).
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds like you are doing great! I can't yet imagine what it would be like to have a tiny baby in addition to my nearly 2-year-old little guy. Good job! You are strong, and you know you've got this :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. I am also terrified about what it will be like to bring a new baby home while also caring for a toddler. I think that is part of why I feel so disconnected from this pregnancy - that I'm in some sort of denial. I'm happy to hear that the good is balancing out the hard. I'll be looking to you for advice on how to handle all of this in 5 months or so :)
ReplyDeleteI wish I could climb through the computer and give you a hug...and share these same exact feelings with you over a glass of wine. Mattie is growing faster than I can really believe and my little dude is suddenly just that, a little dude. In 2 short months he's changed. He snuggles with his daddy more and needs me less...and it breaks my heart. It does get better or you just adjust to the new normal. Take out that camera and enjoy these days sweet friend. I am still kicking myself for letting my maternity slip away and I miss those moments so much! Now the only time I get to hold my sweet girl is when I'm nursing...such is life I guess...
ReplyDeleteI feel like I will be in the same boat shortly. #2 (girl) is planning her arrival any day now and #1 (boy) is completely a mama's boy... ya. This should make for an interesting transition!
ReplyDeleteGood luck, hang in there and I'm sure you're going better than you think you are.
You have such grace in your writing. I LOVE these honest updates.
ReplyDeleteI'm due with #2 in three weeks and #1 (22 months) is going through a tough phase. I spend most of the day wondering how the heck I'm going to deal with toddler antics on top of feeling that newborn sleep deprivation.
At a minimum, it helps to hear these same thoughts and feelings from someone else. I hope you find time to forgive yourself and not hold on to the guilt. The best part is that kids are so forgiving...we can learn from their example. :)
Ugh, it's such a weird thing. I don't know why I ever thought life with one was busy because two is an entirely different juggling act. I think mommy guilt hits me at least twice a week, but usually more. It's especially bad when Ivey is being extra needy and I realize I haven't taken the time to show Delia any affection in the day. Breaks my heart. Yesterday, I actually apologized to her for raising my voice...it felt so wrong 5 seconds after I did it and I felt like such an asshole. I APOLOGIZED TO MY TWO YEAR OLD. lol. But we're all just doing the best we can and toddlers/babies are super resilient! I have to remind myself of that.
ReplyDeleteWine definitely helps =)
i swear you were reading my mind with this post! this has been the hardest adjustment for me now that dawson has come along. poor rawley has been getting the shaft. it's no wonder he acts out now the way that he does. also what is more frustrating is that he was starting to develop normally with talking and such and the moment we brought dawson home, he refuses to say his words anymore. it's all about whining and throwing tantrums so i'm sure his two year well check will be fun. i'm dreading that. it honestly took rawley three weeks to want to be around me, it made me so sad. dh pretty much had sole duty of rawley while i fed dawson around the clock.
ReplyDeleteit's been almost 5 months now and we are just finally starting to have that togetherness as husband and wife. i had the same feelings and it made me so sad, but that's how it works for the moment. one of you has one baby and the other one has the other baby. finally at 8pm, we can sit down and talk and relax with one another.
no one tells you the toddler will be the hardest, but it will get better. it's hard to see it now and i hated when everyone told me that but it does. i promise mamma :) your babies are beautiful and they look SO much alike!!!
don't be so hard on yourself. You will all find your groove soon. Just try to embrace it all, highs & lows.
ReplyDeleteSending you all lots of positive energy!
Great post, you are a good write like above said. I think that is the downside of having more then one they are always competing for your attention, even if they didn't want to sit on your lap before if sibling is getting attention look out. I have learned to keep everything even. It does feel like someone is always getting jipped and that you spend so much time doing you have no time to sit back and relish the process and yes i snap too it's two little people constantly needling something from me. But i like being needed just maybe not all the time and all at once :)
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine how hard it is with two, especially in the beginning. I'm sure you're doing a great job! Hugs, mama!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a great job Mamma, take each day one at a time. You've got me all sniffly over here.
ReplyDeleteOh the mommy guilt! I have an almost one-year old (she turns one on FRIDAY!!! Eeek) and I snapped at her yesterday for something totally silly and then beat myself up ALL night and ALL this AM while I was at the gym, feeling like the worst Momma in the world.
ReplyDeleteBut luckily today is a new day. And, so far, both of us are on our best behavior.
Thank you for posting this and making me feel not so alone. XO.