the birth of willa

The mother who experiences a home-to-hospital transport is not a failure. She is a wise and courageous woman who has placed the safety of herself and her baby above her original birth plan.
~by Pat Schwaiger, RN, CPM, Mountain Midwives, Billings, MT

it's been four months since willa came into this world. 

four whole months.

she is a wonderful baby. a dream baby. 

she hates the car. she hates napping on anything but me. she's a horrible sleeper at night. but man, she's happy. she smiles. she loves to smile. she also loves her big brother and sister. 

she's a lucky, happy babe. we are beyond blessed. we couldn't love her one bit more. 

now there's something i have to tell. her birth story. 

like many of the best laid plans, it went completely off course. it took a route i could have never seen coming. and while we ended up on the other side, both still alive and both healthy, it was still traumatic. 

birth matters. it's so important. 

so here's the story of willa's entrance into this world. i wasn't going to share this publicly, but after months of seeking closure, i feel this is the best way. to set it free. 

i planned to give birth in our home. in my bathtub to be precise. i was due july 17. 

i wrote out a checklist for my husband around 36 weeks. i knew i wouldn't go into labor before my due date but i was so darn excited to finally experience this homebirth we had been wanting since we had our first baby five years prior. i wrote things like "change sheets, put on labor playlist, light candles, defrost casserole, make sure i have my bikini top on in the tub, put the gentle baby oil in the diffuser..."



and even though everything got checked off that list, i ended up giving birth in a hospital bed. 

with bright lights, a bunch of nurses, and an OB i had never met before. it was so far from my plan and such a torturous 34 hour labor that i fell into a pit of depression for a couple months following. my dear friend stayed with us during the entire weekend event that became willa's birth and photographed the whole thing. when she sent me the photos, i cried the entire day. 

i'm still healing from it. i still have so much anger and many unanswered questions about it. i'm still letting myself feel sad for what i lost. what i'll never again have the opportunity to experience. and while i've experienced all sorts of loss in my lifetime, i will not feel bad for grieving my homebirth. it wasn't the loss of a child or any life but it was loss. and i'm still healing. 

for the longest time after my birth, at least a couple months, i was literally still waiting for my homebirth. i would feel some abdominal cramps and get a glimmer of hope - "am i finally in labor?" was a conscious thought before i would realize that the baby was out. snoozing away in her bassinet or swing.

because even though i was no longer pregnant, i waited 10 long months for a glorious event that never happened. so i stayed in labor limbo.  

i never went into labor. 

the day before i was 41 weeks pregnant, i cried. i cried all day. much like many days following my birth. it was as though i was already mourning something that i knew was about to be taken from me. i cried on a jog with my family, i cried at the pool as my kids swam with will, i cried through the taco bell drive through. i sat in my dark closet and cried. i bawled. all day. i couldn't stop.

that night, i took a shower, washed my hair and sent a "help me, i'm broken" text to my lifeline, ali (the angel who sat through my labor weekend and supported us in ways only angels can) who responded with love and encouragement and a link to a guided meditation. i turned on my diffuser and did the meditation. then the next recommended videos on youtube were birth affirmations - so i gave those a listen and reminded myself that this baby is coming when she's ready, not when i'm ready. that this will happen. will and i laid in bed afterward and made plans for the following day - donuts and coffee and a farm date with the kids, meal planning, grocery shopping, and a fun dinner out. we did all those things and i felt good. 



the day after that was monday. my midwife came that morning for our appointment and caught me completely off guard when she requested a cervical check. i just sort of blindly agreed to it, thinking i would probably be sitting around 6cm like i was at 41 weeks with eliot. i knew i had to go into labor that week. it had to happen. 

when she said 3cm and 80% effaced, my heart sank. she was still bright eyes and "this is great! your baby is coming soon!" but i knew otherwise. i could feel in my bones that my body was different this time and something just wasn't right. and i immediately regretted letting her check me. that was the beginning of the downfall of my relationship with a midwife who up to that point, we adored. we truly loved her and couldn't wait for her home visits. 

the rest of that week was a blur of being depressed one day and trying to turn it around the next. trying so hard to end my last pregnancy on a good note. trying so hard to make liam and eliot happy - taking them to the pool, fair, parks, library, ice cream, donuts, walks. it was exhausting trying to stay happy, calm and ready. 

our midwife (for reasons we'll never know) tried talking us into an induction at 10 days past due. we declined and i headed for a NST and AFI (both showed a healthy baby with plenty of fluid and zero reason for an induction). i tried to stay focused but i was already on the clock. 

a few more days passed and on friday morning (12 days overdue), I was a little worried our midwife hadn't at least reached out to come listen to the baby. I sent her a text and asked her to come sometime that day to do so and discuss options (she lives just down the street from us). 

she came at 3pm that day. listened to baby - baby sounded great. she requested we do a castor oil induction the following day. I was completely against the idea up until that moment when she assured us she'd done it plenty of times and it's very simple and effective - although can be unpleasant with all the diarrhea. we asked about any previous hospital transfers - she explained her previous three. we asked if pitocin would be available if needed to which she said yes - that's why we went with a CNM in the first place, because they're legally allowed to carry drugs and extra materials (in our state) should the need arise. we also asked about a backup plan should we wind up in the hospital. my biggest fear was dehydration from all the diarrhea. our midwife again calmly assured us she had a great relationship with LCM (the midwives who delivered Eliot at the hospital) and said should things go south, they will absolutely take us on and work with her. I said "oh that is such a relief!" because it truly put me at ease knowing I wouldn't be thrown to the OB wolves of the hospital should things not go as planned.

she left the 4oz of castor oil and instructed i drink 2oz after breakfast and some good sleep. on the way out the door, will mentioned pressure points and she brought up induction massage - I felt in that moment that we still had options that hadn't been discussed and was a little sad more ideas weren't brought up earlier in the week.

I woke up the next morning at 7:30. got the kids breakfast, fixed my hair, put on some makeup. had a cheese croissant for breakfast (oh carbs during my pregnancies. i couldn't get enough). at 8:45, I mixed 2oz castor oil with some ice, a few strawberries and some orange juice in the blender. it tasted like Chapstick and stayed in my throat for a few hours but wasn't too bad. i laid out the teeny baby clothes and made sure everything was clean and ready. i snapped one final pic of my enormous belly and thought to myself in just a few hours, she'll be here. 

I was expecting immediate results but nothing happened so I cleaned up the kitchen and played with the kids until my parents arrived at 10am to pick them up. since nothing was happening, they came in and will worked on fixing my mom's computer for a while and we all hung out. I had a couple contractions and they left the house at 11am. immediately, I had to poop. It was solid but I was still happy and thinking "yay! it's finally happening!"

after that, I started to pump (the midwife encouraged lots of pumping. 3 hours a day to start contractions.) at 11:45, I sent her a text that there was no diarrhea but I was pumping. she asked me to do 2 more ounces at 1pm. 

at noon, I sat down to eat a sandwich, and had a good contraction then diarrhea cramps and nausea set in immediately. I headed to the toilet but nothing happened so I finished my sandwich then started pumping again. contractions we're going 6 minutes apart at this point so I decided the extra castor oil wasn't necessary. 

at 1:45, I decided to head outside on a walk to help the contractions pickup. as I was about to walk out the door, I got the urge to poop. the diarrhea finally showed up.

after that, it was back to pumping. contractions were getting really good around 2pm. I was worried about things picking up too fast and ali missing it and not having enough time to get the antibiotics (i was gbs+ with all 3 pregnancies), so I asked the mw to come by and check things. 

an hour later, she came over and checked me. i was 4cm but she said "her head is right there!" I was discouraged. why was my body fighting labor so hard this time? mw ordered the 2 more ounces of castor oil. and brought up breaking my water later which i wasn't comfortable with. I drank it when she left and had diarrhea immediately. 

at 3:45, will and I headed outside for a walk and we got poured on so we went back home and started pumping yet again. sigh. my nipples were already aching. contractions were 4-6 minutes apart.

so we kept up the walking and pumping. but they didn't pickup. 

at 5:30, the mw texted for an update on the contractions 

my response: "still lame. took the CO, had more diarrhea and I've either been pumping on the birthing ball or on a walk since you left. seem to be about 10 min apart and only about 30 seconds now"

mw's response: "That's ok. You are having them! Have you had any more thoughts about breaking your water? I think it's a good idea. We're 'on the clock' already...can administer your antibiotics timely...not something i offer to everyone, but you are a great candidate for"

at this point, I just wanted the baby out and was tired of feeling discouraged. I agreed to the AROM. the mw said she'd be there at 7:30pm. as i type this, it hurts my bones and i wish i could just reach back in time and shake myself and say "go to bed! get rest! do NOT break your darn water!" 

sigh. hindsight is always so damn clear. 

at 7:30pm, she arrived. I was upstairs pumping on the birth ball. Ali came shortly after. contractions had picked up a bit - maybe 6-8 min apart. the mw prepared to start an iv for my antibiotics. after a few unsuccessful and painful attempts in my hands, she asked to put it in the large vein on the underside of my elbow. this vein freaks me out and I told her it was upsetting (although I left out why - but because my brother's OD) but reluctantly agreed to it. I kept my eyes shut and Ali turned on a meditation. My blood went EVERYWHERE - all over my arm, down my leg, over the carpet. it took about 15 minutes to run through then the mw removed the catheter thinking that was the only needed dose (good for 8 hours).

in an effort not to pass out, I walked downstairs for some juice. This was at 8:30. nothing really happened contraction-wise. the birth assistant showed up and they prepared to break my water. at 9:15, mw checks me, doesn't tell me the results and continues to break my water. she waits for a contraction. sitting, legs spread on my bed with everyone waiting for me to contract was uncomfortable and I thought one would never come. finally, one comes and she attempts to break my water. it's painful and takes her a few minutes of pushing and prodding. finally, there's a small gush.

so at 9:30pm, we're on the clock to get baby out in 24 hours. I never in a million years thought this would be an issue.

what I later learned, in the hospital the next night (still in labor) was that the mw knew I was still only 4cm when she broke my water. but continued doing so anyway. had she brought to our attention that an entire day of labor had made no progress, we probably would have requested we call it a night, let me get some rest and break it in the morning. my body was already getting tired from a whole day of putting myself manually into labor. but I was blissfully unaware that no progress had been made. I figured things would be picking up immediately.

they didn't. I had a couple small contractions - still about 10 min apart and only lasting about 30 seconds. I told the mw I was worried it wasn't working and she said "relax! give it time. you've only had two contractions since I broke your water"

so it was back to walking and pumping and some more diarrhea. around 11pm, I laid down on the couch for about 15 minutes and fell asleep immediately. I awoke to a very painful contraction and finally thought "this is it!" so I got up and started pacing around the house. contractions intensified and I started having to cling to will during them. the mw sat on the stairs, monitoring in the background. 

at 12:30am, things were intense and the mw said it would be fine to get in the tub. she assured me these wouldn't stop and it was going great now.

so will started the tub, lit candles, turned on my spa playlist and at 1:30am everyone sat in the bathroom probably thinking "this is it!"

contractions were strong in the tub and everything felt good. during a few, I even thought I was getting the urge to push. the mw probably noticed this because she said "if you get the urge to poop, don't fight it, that's just your little girl"

we all stayed in the bathroom for a while. I got up to pee a couple times and contractions were even more intense sitting on the toilet. at some point, it was hot and I felt contractions might be dying a bit so I got out of the tub and started walking around the house again. Ali went to lay down in the guest bedroom, the mw and birth assistant went to the couch. 

at 3:30am, it was time for another dose of antibiotics. this is a blur to me. I sat on my bed and the mw administered them through the same vein on my other arm. after that, it was a haze of more walking and pumping and finally laying down in bed with will for 45 minutes against the mw's wishes. i begged for sleep though. i was falling asleep on the birthing ball while pumping. my body was shutting down.  

around 6:30am we were woken up and told to start walking again. so I did. Ali woke up and left around 7:30am - poor thing lives an hour from us and had to nurse her own babe. i felt awful it had been 12 hours. after she left, I had some very strong contractions. a few of those passed and I knew the baby was coming so I headed upstairs with will who was asking if we should call ali back to which i said no way! as soon as we got upstairs, they died down again and diarrhea started back up.

then it was back to pumping and walking with breaks for diarrhea. I started falling asleep on the birthing ball while pumping again. I said I was going to lay back down and nap for a bit and the mw again said that wasn't a good idea. she and the assistant encouraged me to shower and go for a walk outside. so that's what we did. my body was so exhausted though. sometime after that, the assistant attempted to press on pressure points on my hands, feet and legs while I pumped even more. nothing was picking up. finally, the mw said we could lay down. she propped up pillows so my pelvis would be open during our "nap". she let us sleep for a bit and then woke us up as it was time for more antibiotics. I knew another round of the dreaded iv would shut my body down even further so I requested we delay them. she said that was fine and she was sure there was a chance we could get the baby out within the next couple hours. she told me I just had to get in the game. she said as soon as something seemed to start working I would get scared and pull back. I broke down and said I was doing everything I possibly could. i wanted the baby out. 

will took me aside and said we were going to do this. he said we were going to squat together and walk the hill behind the house together and get this baby out. so we did. together, we tried so hard. 

as 3pm approached, I asked the mw to check me just to see where things were. I asked about our options. I knew in 6 hours, we'd reach the standard 24 hours of broken water and the baby would need to be out or I would face a certain c-section if we landed in the hospital. she said we could just do the antibiotics and labor for as long as it took at home - even over the 24 hour deadline. I asked for some pitocin to get it moving and she said she couldn't do that. she said this labor pattern is very common for 3rd babies. I broke down and told her I wish she had mentioned that before she broke my water. and with that, I was exhausted and the trust we had for her was fading fast. I knew we needed to go to the hospital. I knew my poor body couldn't get this going on its own. i wanted someone to tell me otherwise. 

we asked the mw to contact LCM to see who was on call and what our options were for the possible transfer. so she stepped out and called. when she came back, she said Margie was on call (the midwife who delivered Eliot) but LCM's policy is no homebirth transfers.

I lost it. I desperately wanted my labor to magically pick up and for that baby to come out. i wanted her lies to disappear. i wanted the midwife we knew and trusted to come back and magically massage my pressure points and tell me secret positions to get in to make the whole thing finally work. 

I so desperately wanted this woman who we had placed full trust in to look at me and tell me how to make it happen. but instead, I looked at a stranger and realized this midwife we knew and loved and trusted had lied to us. tears streamed and I just wanted my own mom and my babies. I went to the basement and called her. i cried so hard. I told my mom what we had to do. she told me it was the right thing and calmed me a bit. will came down and I hysterically cried and grieved the birth I would never experience. i knew it was over. i wasn't having any contractions at that point and wouldn't again for a few hours until a nurse administered pitocin through my veins. 

will and i went upstairs and asked the mw to call the hospital and see who the on call OB was. their conversation didn't sound friendly. 

I walked around in a fog at that point throwing things into a hospital bag. in my head, i heard my good friend (who was due a few days after me but had her baby on willa's due date) say "make sure you pack a hospital bag just incase!" to which i rolled my eyes. this wasn't supposed to happen. how the hell did we get here?! 

I didn't have any outfits for the baby. all my clothes were dirty. everything was wrong and horrible. meanwhile, the birth assistant kept trying to come up and provide some sort of emotional support through very close, obtrusive eye contact. will kept running interference. we were both exhausted. 

the mw had us print our records to take to the hospital. she offered to come with us, but we both felt that wouldn't go well especially since the words exchanged with the on-call OB already sounded horrible. we also didn't even trust her with the task of holding our poorly packed hospital bag. i wanted them both out of our house. 

they left and I broke down even more. will took over from there, throwing some things in a bag because all I wanted to do was get out of that house and go see my kids. I grabbed the cupcakes to give them that we were all supposed to be eating earlier that day as they met their baby sister. I threw all the homebirth supplies in the guest bedroom and asked will to burn them before I came home from the hospital.

there was traffic as part of the road had flooded on the way to my parents house. it had been raining all weekend. we finally got there a little before 6pm. the kids came to the door and I tried my hardest to put on a smile but instead started bawling. I got it together, got some good hugs and then we were on our way to the hospital. it felt surreal. I kept saying "I can't believe this is happening" and will did his best to keep my focus on our daughter and reminding me we were making the best decision.

we got to the hospital and they took us right to our room. since the mw had already called and sent our records, there was no awkward triage. there was a flood of nurses and they said we were currently the only ones in labor and delivery. awesome, lets gets this show started i said. our spirits lifted a bit by that energy in the labor and delivery room. i finally felt like we were about to meet our baby. 

our nurse was actually the same one who helped deliver Eliot, so that was pretty cool. it felt like the stars were aligning. for whatever reason we landed there, it felt ok. I'm sure after hearing the story from our crazy mw, they were expecting two hippie disgruntled nuts to walk into that hospital. but they were all kind and welcoming to us. relief washed over me and it felt good to be there. I knew we made the right decision as difficult as it was. 

they started my IV, had me sign a bunch of papers and got the antibiotics going. dr E (the on-call OB) came in to meet us - a short black woman who was much nicer than what our mw described. she said "no timeline" and I could have kissed her. I was terrified that they would be counting down to 9:30pm to wheel my ass into a c-section and be checking my progress nonstop. but the roles were reversed, the hospital acted how the mw should have and the mw had treated us like a stereotypical OB. 

the nurses switched at 7 and ali showed up (bless her heart. she had been texting with will and was determined to witness this event) and the pitocin picked up quickly. we laughed and told stories for a while but by 8pm, I was in hard, pitocin labor. contracting every 2-3 minutes. by 9pm, I was having the "holy shit I'm going to die" contractions. I kept sobbing and saying how exhausted I was. even typing this now, my body shakes just remembering that pain. it's unlike anything you could imagine sending your body past the point of exhaustion and then pushing it further. I kept saying how i just wanted to go home and go to bed. will and Ali kept me going. a little after 10pm, I couldn't do it anymore. I told will I was getting the epidural. give it to me NOW. i wanted it. i needed it. i needed sweet relief. i had no idea what that felt like but i needed all the feelings to exit my fucking body. i wanted to be numb. 

with my epidural demands, will knew the baby was surely coming and told Ali to get the nurse. when she came in, I told her I wanted the epidural and she suggested checking me. I said "don't even tell me how far I am!" I laid down so fast between contractions but not quick enough. one came as she was checking me and i thought my entire body was ripping in two. I started yelling at the poor nurse "GET OUT OF ME!!!"

I guess at that point she held up 8 fingers to will and he smiled and said "good! tell her!" to which i felt I still had another two days of torture to go. but they all must have silently agreed that my baby was finally getting the fuck out of my body because they started getting the room ready. all I could think about was how much freaking easier eliot's birth was. how i gracefully swayed with will, moaning like a tiny fairy compared to the beast that i currently was there in that hospital room with my guttural wails and incomprehensible ramble about wanting to go to sleep. there was no pain like this. I would grab onto will so tight during the contractions, bury my head into the side of him. during one, I remember clear as day saying "I wish I could just give you half of them" to which he said "I wish I could take all of them" super sweet, right?

so they're setting up the room and the delivery table at this point - there's this big, German nurse (irvan or Irene or something) and she looks at me as says "joost a coopola pooshes, yeees?!" in the most adorable German accent and it was the best comic relief in that moment. 

after that, I finally felt that urge to push. but since my body was so exhausted, it was nearly impossible to relax and let the baby down. instead of that feeling that sweet relief was coming, it was just a wall of pain. I had no control. I was growling and yelling so loud that my throat hurt the rest of the night and will had to run get a milkshake (ran through red lights and sped to get to wendy's, ha!). 

I pushed once and they all said "her head is right there!" just then dr e ran in and started getting suited up. i remember thinking what a fucking ordeal they make of birth in hospitals. here i was just 24 hours prior ready to push this baby out in my fucking bathtub and now people are suited up ready for ebola to come walking out of my vagina.

will wanted to catch our babe so they gave him gloves, too. I pushed once more and her head came out. it burned so badly, worse than my other births. I wanted to stop pushing but dr e said "push! go!" so I did thinking that something was horribly wrong the way she was telling me to keep pushing. i reached deep into my toes for any last ounce of energy. i raised  my ass up off that delivery bed, onto my feet, arched my back and grunted and screamed and out slid our daughter into will's hands. 

that feeling of pushing that slippery little body out is always the same. always somehow magical even though it's the worst pain of your entire life. will and the dr put her on my chest and they started cleaning her off. the cord was sadly clamped immediately and will said oh no, we wanted to delay it - and there was nothing she could do then :( so will cut the cord and she was tucked into my hospital gown. no taking her away to get weighed, etc this time. they did everything right on my chest which was amazing.  

i had a 2nd degree tear. the dr started pulling on the cord which stung and shocked me. i remember asking "what are you doing?!" and asked her to give it a minute which she did. exactly one minute and then started pulling again and it came out shortly after. i then received about a thousand shots of local which felt exactly like an entire hive of bees stinging the shit out of my freshly torn apart vagina. which felt just as great as it sounds. and then it got even worse as she started stitching me up. the absolute worst. as if my poor body hadn't been through enough. I could hardly take it and asked for some drugs. they said I would feel loopy so I said never mind and tried to suck it up and focus on the baby. she was already rooting around so I let her nurse. my mom and sister came in shortly after to meet her. we headed to our room and will made his mad dash to wendy's at 12:50am since i hadn't had a meal in over 30 hours. 

then we soaked in her newness and perfection and sailed on that after birth cloud that washes away all the pains of labor and failed inductions and lying midwives and crazy crazy hours of pumping and dozing on birthing balls and destroyed homebirth dreams. none of that mattered. 

willa auburn was finally, finally here. 

 

of course this story kept going, like stories tend to do. and i'd love to share more. but for tonight, this felt wonderful to finally type it out, relive the photos, and put it all out there. releasing it. setting it free.

everything happens for a reason. this may not be the way i imagined willa entering the world, but it's her story. and it's perfect.

i'll be back.

(all photos are from freebird imagery. thank you, ali. you're a true angel. xo)